The Scarlet Letter
Volume I, Number 1 | August 1993
The New Age Demands a New Lord God
by Frater Seahorse
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In the latter half of the twentieth century I, along with my highly evolved friends, began to have visions. While others saw white light and spaceships, I perceived many hues... I saw go-carts. I saw green cheese on the moon.
It was probably the drugs the CIA put into my milk at school to prepare me for the New Age that caused this.
And who am I, you ask. Your query is not without merit, for I am The Lord God Superego, brother to the Lord God Id, and sharer of his chambers. Ramtha is our cousin.
I am come to bring you peace and contentment. And for a few dollars more, you can add enlightenment. I am here to serve you.
My early visions had much to do with my future evolution. I began driving in the stock car races in response to the go-carts in my head. And I followed this path for a season.
Then one day a voice spoke to me out of a tailpipe. Put away thy helmet, it said to me, and dispose of thy safety harness. For a greater work is to be thine.
I was taken aback. "Who art thou, Lord!" My voice was shrill and loud.
I am thy brother, the Lord God Id, the tailpipe responded, and thou hast not drunk deeply enough of me, though thou hast squatted there with the engine running for oh so long.
It was true. I had been cleaning blood off the bumper from my latest accident and had forgotten to turn the engine off. I wondered idly who had let the garage door down.
"What wouldst thou have me do, Lord?" I moved closer to my smoggy brother. "Wouldst thou have me clean thee off and polish thee and build thee a shrine at the raceway?"
A stern voice reproved me. Do not confuse me with the tailpipe, for the tailpipe is but my vessel. I am a spirit, and they who worship me must know the difference between spirits and auto parts...
I passed out, whether from excitement or flatulence of the soul, I cannot to this day tell.
I awoke many hours later with a headache and a strong craving for green cheese. The garage door was raised. I wondered idly who had raised it. I staggered out into the night to digest my spiritual revelation. And the next day I returned to the garage to speak with my brother.
I re-created, as nearly as possible, the circumstances surrounding our first encounter and I was not disappointed. As long as the engine is running and the garage door is down, it works! I follow this practice every day now.
And I offer my revelations to the public. The Lord God Id, Cousin Ramtha and myself, the Lord God Superego, are the Three Muscatels—I mean, the Three Musketeers of Consciousness. We offer salvation and, for a small monthly premium, enlightenment. I will come to you again when you least expect it.
* * * * *
Just before we went to press, I managed to trace The Lord God Superego to Pease Park. I found the entity sitting under a large bo tree contemplating its navel.
The deity informed me that, in conjunction with Bubba's Condom Barn, He has initiated Travis County's most exciting scavenger hunt. Ego said He has scattered 1,000 Mason jars throughout Travis County, each with an accompanying Scroll of Revelations. It was one such item I found at Lake Travis. Whoever finds the most jars will not only achieve flatulence of the soul, but will also be awarded a year's supply of condoms by the Condom Barn! Imagine that.
So drop by Bubba's Condom Barn for more details, and never let it he said that the Lord Gods are not charitable.